Thursday, January 18, 2018

Things I've Written, Entirely Out of Context: Nostalgia Edition (2011-2015)

It's time for another...

Nostalgia Edition

This time featuring:

  • Bad puns!
  • Badass ladies!
  • Gratuitous pop culture references and/or literary allusions!
  • NaNoWriMo inside jokes!
  • Snarky one-liners!
  • Snarky narrators!
  • And characters being unusually self-aware and pointing out flaws in the narrative! Because they will never pass up an opportunity to make fun of their author.

Also, a significant portion of these excerpts come from a roleplay written with collaborators Len, Katrina, and Rebecca, so be sure to appreciate their contributions!


Becca had not planned for the long drop from the grate opening to the floor of the room below, but there were some things in life that a person just couldn't plan for. Becca twisted herself in the air and, quite surprisingly, landed on a couch with plush lavender cushions, which she then proceeded to somersault off of, her momentum carrying her to the floor with a thud . . .

Only one thing to do now.

Becca grinned and extended her dusty hand. “Becca Pond. Hope you don't mind my, er, dropping in.”


Conall: *after an awkward silence* Well, I’m Conall. I eat emotions. And this is my daughter, Jem.

Javert: *somewhat sullenly* And I’m Javert. Do not forget my name.


Becca took a large bite out of her apple and sighed. “I love apples. They're amazing. But only if they're crunchy. What's the point if you can't bite into them and hear that crunching sound? It's so satisfying.”


Beware of William Golding and his Shovel of Death.


“My dad was an apple salesman. Ever heard of as stupid a job as that?”


Javert: Remind me to get a second gun after this is all over.


He gripped the Shovel of Death tightly, as it bound him to whatever traces of reason were left in his mind. You are strong, it silently told him. You will find a way to do this. Goodness knows how many people you’ll have to hurt to get there, but you will find a way.

Thanks, he told it. I’m so glad to be taking my positive encouragement from a talking shovel. This is in no way a sign that I am hallucinating.


“You have a flamethrower?”

“A miniature one. It's a little faulty and takes a while to get fired up, but once it does, it's nice to have around.” 


“Lilah! Dammit. LILAH!”

“She can't hear you,” Mark said with a sigh.

“I know that,” Becca snapped. “Why else do you think I'm increasing the volume of my screams with each time nobody responds?"


It took him a while to realize that he wasn’t sure exactly where he was going. Two seconds after that, William realized that he had been a complete idiot.


Javert: *through gritted teeth* I am the most idiotic idiot that ever graced this flogging planet with his idiocy.


Conall: Hey, a couple of weeks ago, I couldn’t even complete a sentence without some weird metaphor about darkness creeping in.


“My, you certainly ask yourself a lot of questions,” said the voice. “Interesting.”

Lilah bit her lip. “You can read my mind.”

“Not exactly. But I can easily guess. After all, I was created to make your decisions for you.” It chuckled a bit. “Should I answer your questions for you?”

“That would be nice.”

The voice sighed. “That was rhetorical and you knew it.”


Fortunately, it was clear that the creatures weren’t snakes. Unfortunately, they were giant brown bears.


Monique: *clucks tongue* You need a hobby or something. Like violence. Or embezzling.


“ keep light filters in your pockets?”

“I keep everything in my pockets.” Becca grinned, shoving a hand into one of her tool belt's little pouches. “Want a granola bar? Or an aspirin?”


Javert: *comes stumbling back, coat ripped and with a gun wound in his hand, weapons and ammo belts gone, and very, VERY drunk- singing* I could have daaaaaaaaaanced all niiiiiiiiight! I could have daaaaaaaaaanced all niiiiiiiiight!

Morian [Len's character]: *looks at J in disgust, and decidedly sits down, closing her wings over her face to avoid having to interact with him

J: Morian! Morian! What the- ugh, my head hurts. Where was I? Where- *suddenly vomits a little

M: *rolls eye and doesn’t answer- is waiting for him to sober up

J: *determined to get her attention* Morian! I- I- why do I see five of you?

M: *hits herself on the forehead- not moving, uses one of her wings to whack J on the head, knocking him out, hopefully for a while

J: OW! *passes out immediately 


Wait a minute. If I’m in a simulation, then everything around me is fake. Including these bears. They can’t hurt me.

He blinked and the bears vanished before his eyes. Before he knew it he was scrambling back down, holding the Shovel of Death in his left hand once more. That was a really stupid way to defeat a pack of wild animals, it told him.


Javert: Imma’ failure…might ‘s well be a failure wi’ a gun…


“Return to your island and collect your souls. Build another ziggurat, that should calm you down.”

I did. It did not help.


Conall: Ooh, anger. I love anger. It tastes so creamy.


Jem: Essentially, just keep running and don’t act too shocked when your mother appears out of nowhere.

Mary [Rebecca's character]: My mother died when I was seven…

Charles [Len's character]: *quietly* My mother abandoned me at an orphanage when I was an infant.

Agni [Katrina's character]: *to the general public* My mother never knew me. She divorced dad.

Javert: *in the middle of running- shouting to Jem and the others* My mother got sentenced to death when she got within thirty feet of me!

Morian: *shouting back* That’s a bit ridiculous!

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