Friday, September 15, 2017

Things I've Written, Entirely Out of Context: Nostalgia Edition (2008-2011)

It's the beginning of the school year, which means more work for your resident college student and, unfortunately, less time and energy spent on new writing to entertain all you folks here at Mapping Out a Sky. But before I disappear into the mists of academia, here's another round of intriguing and amusing excerpts—this time from various works of mine written years and years ago! Keep an eye out for:

  • Preteens snarking about how much "smarter" they are than adults!
  • Grown adults snarking about how much smarter they are than other adults!
  • The author snarking about the state of the education system!
  • Fanfiction! Bonus points if you can guess the fandom.
  • Random exclamations!
  • Women snarking about the utter incompetence of men and running away with each other!

That's right, it's time for...

Nostalgia Edition

"Who ya callin'?" Joanna popped a piece of gum into her mouth.

"Mother and Father," Theo replied. "Judging on the fact that they have one of the three fastest private jet-helicopters in the world, I'd take that gum out of my mouth if I were you."

"Well you ain't me and I ain't you so let me chew my gum in peace." (2008)


Men bore me. They are a violent species, always wrapped up in their petty little wars. They don't understand anyone, they are too dense to care about anything except power and riches . . . banging their fists on the table and arguingrather, screaming their point across the table over and over and over until the loudest one would win. I sighed. Ugh. I am thankful I am a woman. (2009)


"What did you do today, sweet?"

"You know, same old, same old," Athena replied, wondering what "same old" really was. "I made a deep profound metaphor, and Sulpicia took it literally." (2009)


Most of the students were engaged in a rowdy spitball fight. [Mr. Halder] watched, amused. They're making all that noise, they must think I'm deaf not to hear it, he thought. Mr. Halder shook his head as he saw the tactics used. They're too zealous to attack. Why don't they just-

He stopped himself. This is what got him fired from the last teaching job, and the one before that, and the one before that. Engaging in the students' chosen activities, such as spitball. He contemplated this. It wasn't so bad, though, teaching students how to stay alive in a spitball fight. Perhaps the other teachers would let me off if I taught in the style of Machiavelli's The Prince. (2009)


Athenodora ripped the nearest pillow to dust particles (it was Sulpicia's ugly chartreuse one that she had been meaning to get rid of anyway.)

Caius close-to-laughed. "Athena, my dear, that pillow isn't a canine monster twice your size that will fight back with its ferocious teeth."

"It was a disgrace to the room's color scheme," was all Athena said. (2009)


Sylas saw the girl sleeping in the corner and realized what Ona had done. “Ona, why did you do that? She just going to kill  you when she wakes up.”

“I know, I acted on impulse, I'm sorry, blah, blah, blah,” Ona retorted. (2009)


When [Mattaso] arrived at the courtyard of The House, the children had started to awake from their trances. Most of them sat on the ground and rubbed their eyes drowsily. There was slight variation in this, some mumbling questions and others simply making slightly strange movements with their hands. However, the most startling reaction was a cry of “What's my purpose in life?!” The boy in question took a deep breath and then called, “Dendrochronology is a fancy word for Tree-Ring Dating!” (2009)


"Strange girl," [Agni] murmuredthought, "but it seems she really is the new Oracle of Vesta. Oooh, nobody's going to like this. Now if they need to know their fate, they'll have to face a creepily all-knowing witty young girl instead of a simple image in a flame. Look out, sleazy politicians!"

I grinned widely, as I was going to meet a few sleazy politicians within the next week and knew it would not be pleasant for them. (2010)


Elizabeth's eyes widened in disbelief. “Jared, your hair is tousled, you're wearing two different socks, and you have hamburger all over your shirt. What is wrong?” She paused. “Is this about the whole notebook page thing? Did you spend all night tossing and turning about it?”

“From what I can tell, yes,” Tara replied, putting her bag of supplies down and walking over. “Look, Jared, it's nothing to worry about. It's a minor issue, really. Now”she grabbed him by the shoulders“you have a duty as a math teacher to uphold. Do you want to be telling students how to factor polynomials with hamburger on your shirt? Do you?” She gave him a light shake. “Do you? (2010)


The Snowdrift Education Board had mulled over the issue of whether or not standardized testing would be allowed in their tiny town. After four years of constant debate and the chairman of the board having a near-death experience in which he saw a vision of 10,000 angels holding #2 pencils and filling in bubbles marked A, B, C, and D in complete silence, they decided not only to allow standardized testing but to take it to its extreme. It was the “complete silence” part that had got them hooked. (2011)


Miss Alice Clove Hall liked to describe herself as the embodiment of the INFP; if you did not know what that meant, she would be quick to remind out that it was a Myers-Briggs Personality Type: Introverted iNtuitive (yes, the N is supposed to be capitalized) Feeling Perceiving. In other words, she would drift easily along for a while, but when a value was struck she would fight until the day she died. She also happened to be a certified genius (in her own mind, of course), and she fervently loathed standardized testing. Thus, instead of using her time to prepare a tactful persuasive essay about the issue to present to the Board of Education (she had finally managed to get an audience with them for next December 13th), she was building up her Mental Fortress of Cynicism. This was indeed a very serious matter, for the Mental Fortress of Cynicism was not something that generally went up before nine o'clock in the morning on a particularly frustrating day. (2011)


“Now, let's get this straight,” Gwendolen muttered, advancing towards Jack in a graceful yet terrible manner. “Don't lie. Is your name Ernest?”

There was a silence that followed, and then Jack replied in a low tone, “No. It's Jack Worthing.”

“Is your name Ernest?” Cecily questioned of Algernon.

“No. I'm Algernon Moncrieff.”

The women glanced at each other and then down at their perfectly-trimmed nails, considering their options.

“Well...” Cecily started, “I do admit that I liked you better when you were-”

“Ernest,” Gwendolen joined in on that last, ever-so-important word.

“But it does take a great deal of wickedness to lie to such a sweet, innocent little girl.” Cecily leaned up and pecked a kiss on his lips. “I do believe you're irredeemably bad.”

“I'll try and reform myself for you alone, dearest Cecily,” Algernon promised, a glimmer of hope back in his eyes.

“And, what with my wonderful skills, I might just be able to bring hypocrisy into the highest standards of fashion.” Gwendolen offered her hand out for Jack to kiss. Jack took the offer with an, “I promise, Gwendolen, to be twice—no, ten times—as good to you as any Ernest would.”

The two exchanged a triumphant glance, eyes haughtily glinting in such a way that would signal the downfall of many an undeserving man, and then promptly detached themselves from the utterly lovesick men. “I've changed my mind,” Cecily declared. “You're not wicked enough for me.”

“And you're not clever enough to outwit me, much less deserve me,” Gwendolen laughed. “And the name Jack, as I have told you before, does not produces the kind of vibrations I need!”

The two of them linked arms and walked off into the sunset. (2011)

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